105 Rules and Facts Alice Must Follow & Understand
by Jessica Lauren
Summary: I have seen these lists for Emmett, so i wrote an extremely long one for Alice. Enjoy :D


_**Alice POV**_

Oh my god. I swear that list gets longer every time I look at it. These Cullen's are out to get me. Grr… I march angrily over to the new list that has been stuck to the wall with pretty pink tack. I think I might eat the list this time. Or tell them that I can't follow these rules because the Martian law tells me otherwise… Hmm… I stare at it, not really reading it at first. I gawk at the size of it. I HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE RULES AND FACTS I MUST FOLLOW AND UNDERSTAND?!

I don't think they want me to have fun anymore.

Stupid freaking vampires… I don't even think they're real…

Might do some cloning later… or find Mike Newton… yum.

I scan down the list quickly, reading at supahquickvampyahspeed.

**Rules and Facts Alice Must Follow and Understand:**

**You are to follow these rules, despite what Emmett says**

**You are not a bunny**

**Nor are you a pixie**

**You must not hide in your closet for three days, pretending to be in excruciating pain and then tell everyone you were trying to grow wings**

**Nor must you hide in anyone's closet, for any reason**

**Yes, that includes Bella's**

**Jasper is your husband, not your Barbie **_**or**_** Ken doll**

**Emmett is not gay, he is happily married to Rosalie**

**Rosalie is not a lesbian**

**Either is Edward**

**You are not allowed to be seen with Emmett in public**

**You are not allowed to be near Emmett, period**

**Edward is not Lestat, aka Blondie, from Interview with the Vampire**

**And you are not Claudia**

**Sunlight does not hurt you**

**Neither does garlic**

**You should not pretend that these things do hurt you**

**Rosalie is not to be attacked by 'Alice the Glitter Monster'**

**You are not to be trusted with scissors, after what happened the last time**

**Bella is now a vampire, you should not try to drink her blood**

**You are not to imitate drunk cats**

**Or any type of drunk animal for that matter**

**Twilight is not the time of day to throw rocks at people**

**Nor is any time of the day**

**You are not to play seven day marathons of The Sims 2 Double Deluxe**

**Edward and Bella are not Sims**

**Yelling at them to eat food or go to the toilet will not make them do so**

**Renesmee not a toy, you are not allowed to poke her 24/7**

**Nessie is not to be worshipped as a god, it makes Edward feel bad**

**Edward is not a god either, it makes Bella feel jealous**

**Praying for twelve ours a day will not make the world flood with chocolate**

**Mojo Jojo is a fictional character from the Powerpuff Girls**

**You are not to try to convince little kids he's real**

**You are not Bubbles**

**Rosalie is not Buttercup**

**Emmett is not Blossom **

**You should not stare at Carlisle while he watches porn, it makes him uncomfortable **

**Talcum power is not be used as a toy rocket**

**And you can't blame Emmett for 'sperm-ing' up the carpet when you drop glasses of milk**

**No, Coca Cola does not contain magical powers**

**Either does hairspray**

**Stalking Paris Hilton will not make you famous**

**You mustn't write all the Cullen's cell phone number's in the boy's bathrooms**

**Playing pirate in the bathtub is not permitted**

**Mars does not have an outer space parliament**

**And no, you can't ignore these rules because the Martian law says otherwise**

**Vampires are real**

**Jasper is not to be used for super fun time**

**Because his pelvis hurts for days afterwards**

**You must not try to count all his battle scars**

**It makes Jasper feel emo and self conscious**

**Emmett is not a ballerina**

**Mike Newton is not a sex toy**

**Either is Eric Yorkie's Pokemon Manual**

**You are not permitted to sneak onto private jets and steal celebrities clothing**

**You are not permitted to steal anyone's clothing**

**Edward doesn't appreciate it when you try to give Bella 'a good time'.**

**Toast is human food. It doesn't possess any blood**

**Broccoli is not Satan **

**Chocolate is not a life source**

**Making clones is illegal on all planets**

**Videoing Edward and Bella having sex then putting it on PornTube is not a good idea, therefore it is forbidden**

**You may not eat this list**

**Tampons are not meant for vampires**

**Sticking a towel in you pants will not make you menstruate **

**Eating babies will not make you pregnant**

**Carlisle is not to be made fun of because he sucks his thumb when he's happy**

**Shooting Edward will only annoy him**

**Rosalie is not the person to talk to about picking noses**

**Sneaking up on people and tying them in dental floss is not a turn on**

**Making Bella draw you naked will not make her a lesbian**

**The CSI team is not out to get you**

**Either are the evil fairies**

**Asylums are not places you leave children during the day**

**Bella does not have balls**

**Nor does Rosalie**

**Nor does Esme**

**Carlisle won't let you get a bunny, deal with it**

**Offering to wax Edward's chest is an insult**

**Trying to give Emmett a bikini wax will only make him giggle, not scream**

**Tanya is not a witch**

**Nor does she fly on a broomstick and cackle at night**

**You are not allowed to prank the Volturi**

**Speaking with a Texan accent will only make Jasper horny. You are not permitted to speak like that in front of the family or in public.**

**Blood is red, not blue**

**Your eyes are not green**

**Lying about the future only scares people. Don't do it**

**Dogs don't appreciate it when you try to seductively rape them with hand puppets**

**Either do the rest of the Cullens**

**Or the Volturi**

**Lying on Carlisle's desk naked and smoking pot is not permitted**

**Hippies are not trying to take over the world**

**You can't run to Pluto**

**Making aerosol cans explode in peoples gardens isn't funny**

**Nessie isn't the Loch Ness Monster**

**Jacob can't shape shift into a space ship, no matter how hard he tries**

**Making fun of Jake's gullible-ness isn't permitted at any time **

**Emos cannot fly**

**Nor can you**

**100. Hiding a bucket of KFC in Edward's closet will not attract cooties**

**101. Singing High School Musical songs is not sexy**

**102. Edward will kill you if you drool whilst thinking about Bella**

**103. Emmett is not hot for you**

**104. Neither is Edward, Carlisle or Bella**

**105. You are not allowed to add anything more to this list**

*Alice gets out a pen anyway adds rule one hundred and six*

**106. It is opposite day. **


End file.
